I sold a few books and then I thought that I would try to expand my reach. I dabbled or maybe dwelled on many social media sites.
But now it is too much. I want to just have one place that I can go and share everything.
I have 4 blogs but this is the blog where I have been the most authentic. When I want to talk in first person in great detail about my life this is where I come.
We are back in Baja and I am grateful if not a little hypomanic. My mom is coming to visit me next month and I am stressing a little because I want her visit to be perfect. Hopefully Mexico will speak for itself.
Right now I am blogging because I felt the need to write. The dogs are waiting anxiously for their walk on the beach. I am trying to figure out where to put my focus.
I have a lot of free time but I feel like I should pick one thing and do that very well rather than do five things in a mediocre way.
I am leaning towards focusing on my Instagram account because it is very visual and yet social at the same time. Tik Tok is fun and that is where I like to post videos. Facebook is where friends and family are.
I have some thinking to do but I know that I am right where I belong.
So far it is doing really well! Check out the reviews at Amazon: amzn.to/3zaE8tE
It’s my edited journal entries from 2020. See inside the mind of a manic depressive!
I went through a lot during the pandemic and yet I seemed to be in another world sometimes in my head. The book begins in January as I was becoming increasingly manic. I was hospitalized in early February and thank God it was before Covid was mainstream. I was still allowed visitors and I didn’t have to have an invasive test.
A small child questions everything She consumes the answers from wise adults As she grows so does her understanding Of the world and of reality She might hear conflicting views And to be kind she keeps an open mind Indeed an open heart She even marries a different mindset Eventually too much happens To contradict the things she thinks she knows So she goes on a quest She carries her questions like jewels On her travels she visits a priest He tells her she must bear her suffering Like the Son carried the cross She decided it was much too heavy So she visited a healer Who advised her to become friends with her mind Too many times her mind betrayed her Next she used self inquiry To see that she was nothing But something was still happening So she created a bonfire She wanted to use her mind to go beyond mind She asked for help from her Guru She knew that all along she had never met anyone
At what point do I take this all for granted? When does it become the norm to experience life like this?
I think I just have to sink into a role here. There is no manual on how to be me. There is no need to stick labels on me. I am not a piece of fruit at the market.
Paradise is not paradise unless it contains its opposite. What is hell? My husband asks if I am going to quit complaining. I can’t. Hell is complaining about people using the laundry room. The main gossip has a to do with the local stray dog.
The other day the policia were here. A family dispute which after making the rounds of the campground became a murder mystery.
Does paradise include its opposite? Or is it possible that I am turning a blind eye. I can’t see nothing bad.
Control is a nice song by Zoe Wees and I find myself listening to it almost every day.
More and more I see that control is an illusion. According to nonduality there is no one to control. Even if one hasn’t realized their own absence I think it is easy to see that control is illusory.
Everything happens because of everything else.
I started listening to that song Control a few weeks ago when Alexa played it when I asked to hear Katy Perry songs. So is it because I like Katy Perry that I found this song or is it because I have an Alexa. And why do I have an Alexa and who programmed it. It could go on indefinitely. I don’t want to leave out that my past definitely makes me have a proclivity to like this song.
It is a beautiful day so why am I sitting here typing thinking about control. I have not really built the best case for no control. I guess that is not my forte.
I guess something I might say would be to sit back and take a load off. Your freedom lies in knowing it could be no other way. Give yourself freedom to be as you are and in turn give those you love the freedom to be the way they are.
I want to tell you a story. I may have tried to tell someone before but they did not understand. I don’t know if you will understand either, I am not sure it is relatable. Several months ago, at a time when I was less than stable I began to encounter a synchronicity of donuts. It started out with me getting into the habit of getting a donut each time I went to the gas station. Then someone brought me a gift, a box of donuts. I was at the store and I was compulsively drawn to purchase a little car called the donut drifter. I went to parties and there amongst a buffet of Mexican food there was a small plate of donuts. When I went online I saw donuts, sometimes just the word and sometimes images, all without searching for it.
Then one day I went to the gas station and they were out of donuts. We went across the street to a pet store and there in the dog toys I saw the brand name “goughnuts.” I started to think that my higher self was literally telling me to “go nuts.” I mean since I felt unstable anyway and I had been trying really hard to keep my cool, maybe it was time to just let loose. Still I did not follow this calling. I stifled it. Maybe that is why six months later I found myself in the ward.
Up, down, and all around. Is it my ego creating this wheel? How can it be when I am aware that ego is insubstantial? Like a mirage in the desert. If I place no importance to it, if I think that it is merely an appearance in a world of appearances, why am I still on this ride?
Yes, as you can see I have elevated and now my Ferris wheel resides in the clouds. Up or down no longer matter much. Regardless I am flying high. All because of a prodigious moment where everything aligned and I glimpsed into the elephant’s ear and had this ecstatic insight into the nature of reality.
I see what I am and knowing who I am, I know who you are. It seems like such a brazen statement. Even in the knowing there is unknowing. We are the unexpected guest. You don’t know what she will do. Does she want to borrow a cup of sugar or sit down and drink some coffee. Has there been an emergency? Is it like the time when my neighbor came over to cry and reveal that her husband was terminally ill? No. This is not a story from the past. This is an excuse to tell you a story.
But it is no mistake. How could it be? Even if it was a mistake it would be perfect. It would be needed. You might ask what I have been consuming in order to draw these conclusions. I would love to tell you but it is such a long story. My favorite book when I was in second grade was Charlotte’s Web. I also really loved Shel Silverstein books. Books have contributed a lot to my mind. Music has been a real factor. This morning I was listening to Tom Petty. Thirty years ago I loved Pearl Jam and Radiohead. Television reruns. What about all the teachers that I have known. I’ve been designed to have this output.
In this dream, in this lucid lucid dream, there is no need to preach and there is no one to preach to. I guess I just want to say that I don’t have to go anywhere, achieve or acquire anything, in order to be happy knowing that I am love loving love.
I have come to a slow realization in life and I feel kind of empty now and its not a bad feeling. I just do not believe in the things that have been handed down to me. When people talk about the afterlife like they know what they are speaking of I just want to roll my eyes. How can we know what we have not experienced? As for those who have had near death experiences how can they know that what they experienced is long term and not just their brain cells exploding as they die? I have no hope for what happens after death. So I live for today. I feel the only thing that matters is kindness. We are all on this journey though we take separate paths. We are all lonely whether we acknowledge it or not. How can we deny that we are alone in our perception of the world?
Even living without hope is not so bad. I live in appreciation of this life. Of life. Any moment I expect I will fall madly in love with all of it. I get glimpses now and then. For now I am in a state of neutral to morose. I blame the chemicals in my brain. Nature and nurture dealt me with mental illness. I can pretend I’m healed all I want, the episodes keep coming on. Some might say there is a lesson to be learned from my experience. I used to desperately want to break the cycle and become mentally well. Still no matter what I tried I am beset by forces beyond my control.
ravenstealinglight 