Life

From passive suicide to reckless endangerment, I have lived in a wide range

From agnostic to fanatic

I have been all over the map

It could all happen again

and I am okay with that.

What is going on in my life right now? Having some financial issues because of a mistake with our escrow and an issue with unemployment. Slowly taking care of these things. I’ve been thinking about gardening but I have not done much of anything. I haven’t done laundry all week. I’m just not motivated. I do still enjoy reading. I just finished Everyday Enlightenment 7 stories of ordinary people having an awaening.

At first the stories made me feel like I haven’t really seen this. I know there are days when I feel like I have. Then this feeling came over me like this doesn’t even matter anymore. I am okay the way I am. This insecurity comes. and goes. However I am growing more comfortable just being my character of the moment.

So am I done seeking? I think so. I still enjoy reading spiritual texts and listening to Alan Watts. I like to know that I am not alone.

The Desert

a lot of pain comes out of wanting to be something I’m not

I read a story about a beautiful person and I wondered. how could i be like that

How much easier just to be myself

even though there is no one technically here

just a series of thoughts and repetitive emotions

when will I fall in love

tired of being in the desert

Transition

I write for unknown eyes. I write to organize the tendency towards chaos in my mind. I write because of my ego and I write to show my spirit.

My friend once got me the Artist’s Way and I wrote morning. pages for weeks. Then I felt empty and I couldn’t write anymore. I felt. like I failed the Artist’s Way.

I’m tired of failing spiritual programs.

I’m tired of the sense that I failed at life because I didn’t. achieve the American Dream (came close!)

I am ready to live closer to Mother Earth and I feel I can do that if we transition over to full time RV life. Chris shares my dream but not my timeline. So again I must be patient.

Patient though everything in me. rebels against it. Life is too short. to be putting things off.

The change in lifestyle between here and Mexico is dramatic. Who wouldn’t want to live steps away from a beautiful beach?

Yet we have this house and this life in Michigan. Yes this house has history. I would miss it. Yet I’m feeling like this is a house of things. and broken dreams. I want to let go.

However I will go with the flow. Perhaps I will visualize and manifest something new. I want my Mexican romance back.

Meteoric Mind

I have a mind that. can travel long distances in a short amount of time. I understand. long intricate strands of words. I can even do some. math.

but it doesn’t matter

If I don’t have love in my heart all is lost.

Love and compassion. matter, they change everything

i have. compassion for people instructing me when I know their heart is in the right place

But now I seem to know

that no one. knows

we know what works for us. Now I get it-

your mileage may vary

I. love that I have this corner online where I have been able to work things out. I appreciate those of you who have supported me

No I have not crossed the finish line and I have no accomplishment to hang. my hat on.

I did seem to find “home”. although I’m sitting outside in the garden listening to birds sing, making daisy chains and i’m pretty happy here alone most of the time. I still like to play though.

Selfish Art

For the last 5 years I’ve been making junk journals off and on. One year I think I made 48 of them. I started with a planner. Then I made gratitude journals. I made prayer journals and happiness journals. I made travel journals and quilt journals. I bent over backward making custom journals. All the right colors and features. Nautical themes, tropical themes. Then last November I just stopped.

Now it is April and I’m thinking about making journals again. However I want to focus on using my personal style and the materials that I have on hand. I don’t want to fulfill orders for journals. I never made a profit anyway. I just want. to make them because I enjoy making them. I want to give them when I feel like giving them.

I told my Mom I was going to be more selfish about my art. She said she wasn’t sure how being selfish would work out for me. I don’t know either but this seems to be the only way I can motivate myself to get started. Otherwise I will sit around all day reading books like the Diaries of Anais Nin and listening to Pink Floyd’s the Division Bell.

Facing Fear

This morning Chris and I go to get our second Covid vaccine.

There is a slight fear. Will we get sick? I feel it is worth it to have a chance to be vaccinated against this beast. For a long time it seemed it wouldn’t touch me but now I’ve known 4 people to get sick and 1 person to die from it.

Something I learned traveling to Mexico in January was that most fears are unwarranted.

The snake is a rope

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

“And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mineOh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out”

The Smiths

All Alone Again

Naturally…

I spend several hours a day alone. Most of the time this is okay, sometimes a. good thing. Other times. I feel kind of sad. There is nothing wrong with that. Emotions happen. It’s part of what’s happening. Everything is accepted. That is unconditional love.

This morning I am listening to Green Day the American Idiot album and thoroughly enjoying it.

Music is a bridge

Unknown Futures

A glorious awakening

Is the universe knowable?

Sitting here typing listening to Carl Sagan wondering what to say. This feeling like one has escaped an unknown future or rather to have gone from one unknown future to another. At least this one comes with a view. Sunshine and warm weather.